In this blog post, I will explore love from the perspective of chemical equilibrium, using Alain de Botton’s essays on romance as a starting point.

Alain de Botton’s Analysis of Love

In the language of a poet, love becomes a condensed metaphor; to a novelist, it becomes a story; and to a composer, it becomes a melody. French author Alain de Botton’s book ‘Why I Love You’ is a collection of essays that analyzes the emotions and behaviors of love through his own romantic experiences. Rather than unfolding an event-driven plot like a typical romance novel, the book has the narrator recalling his encounters and breakups with his lover, thoroughly examining the emotions and behaviors of those moments.
For example, the narrator accepts Chloe, whom he met by chance, as if she were fate, yet he also states that this fatalism is, in fact, merely an illusion that a person in love wants to see. The narrator refers to his attempts to win her back when she stopped loving him as “romantic terrorism” and explains the imbalance in love using political metaphors. In this way, the author analyzes past love with a matter-of-fact tone, and readers will likely empathize with some insights while questioning others.

Basic Principles of Chemical Equilibrium

So, what happens when an engineer looks at love? I would like to borrow the concept of “equilibrium” from chemistry to explain love metaphorically. First, let’s briefly summarize a few basic principles: a chemical reaction consists of reactants (R), products (P), and a catalyst (C). The basic format of a reaction is, for example, R1 + R2 → P1 + P2.
In particular, when products can become reactants again, this is called a reversible reaction; given enough time, the rates of the forward reaction (→) and the reverse reaction (←) become equal. This state is called dynamic equilibrium, and even if no outward changes are visible, internally, continuous reactions maintain a balance.

If we express romance as a chemical reaction equation

Let’s now apply this principle to the relationship between a man and a woman. If we place the man and the woman as reactants, the catalyst acting between them is love. However, unlike in a chemical reaction, this does not imply a physical transformation where the man becomes a woman or the woman becomes a man. Instead, the tension and interaction between the two can be understood as the flow of the reaction.
In the early stages of a relationship, rather than revealing their true colors immediately, people often explore each other while gradually blending aspects of themselves. For example, if I am methodical and meticulous, but my partner is spontaneous and goes with the flow, I will likely adapt my behavior to accommodate some of their tendencies rather than insisting on my own nature right away. This resembles a chemical reaction where two substances meet, exchange elements, and find a new equilibrium.
In this way, equilibrium is ultimately a tendency to increase the stability of a system, and dynamic equilibrium is a state where, even if it appears stationary on the surface, forward and reverse reactions continue to occur internally. In a romantic relationship as well, while a superficially stable relationship is maintained, the two people constantly exchange demands and compromises to maintain balance.

Le Chatelier’s Principle and the Buffering Effect in Relationships

In chemistry, there is a principle known as Le Chatelier’s Principle. It states that if a change is introduced into a system at equilibrium, the equilibrium shifts in a direction that counteracts that change. Applying this to romance, when external stimuli or demands are placed on a relationship, the two people react in ways that absorb or block those changes.
As a relationship deepens, people may develop a desire to assert their own way rather than accepting their partner more fully. When a partner tries to reveal a bit more of their true self, the precarious equilibrium that had been maintained begins to waver; however, the relationship’s buffer mechanism absorbs that demand to some extent, allowing it to be “partially” accepted. As this process repeats, the equilibrium shifts toward a new point of stability.

The Collapse of Equilibrium: The Mechanism of Breakups

So, when does a relationship break down? There is no simple answer to this question, as breakups involve a complex interplay of factors and are heavily influenced by emotional elements. However, from the perspective of chemical equilibrium, a breakup typically occurs when a demand reaches a point where it is “unacceptable” to the other person.
The demands in question can vary widely—from seeking greater attention, to expecting unlimited understanding of one’s circumstances, or the fulfillment of personal desires. When a demand grows too large and exceeds the buffer limits of equilibrium, one component becomes excessively dominant. This prevents the two components from coexisting on equal footing, leading to a state where one is diluted or disappears. In the context of a relationship, this means the delicate balance maintained amid tension collapses, resulting in one person feeling alienated or the relationship ending.
The emergence of a new romantic interest can be explained in the same context. The reason someone is attracted to a new person is that their existing relationship does not sufficiently satisfy their needs. The newly introduced reactant satisfies their needs better than the existing system, thereby shifting the direction of equilibrium.

Conclusion: The Limits and Meaning of the Metaphor

Any attempt to perfectly explain love through a single model is inherently limited. Just as Alain de Botton explored the complexity of love through philosophical rhetoric, chemical metaphors cannot capture every layer of emotion. Nevertheless, the perspective of equilibrium allows us to view a relationship between two people as a “continuum of equal tension,” making it clear that for love to deepen, mutual needs must be harmonized.
Ultimately, the stability of a relationship rests on understanding and trust. Just as maintaining equilibrium in chemistry requires adjusting the conditions of the system, a romantic relationship demands continuous effort to coordinate each other’s needs and expectations. While the metaphor is not perfect, the perspective of equilibrium sometimes provides a useful framework for understanding the complex dynamics of love.